I’m doing this celibacy sort of thing…

I’m doing this celibacy sort of thing…


I lost my virginity at 16. Who else remember their first time being like the weirdest, most uncomfortable/awkward thing.  Ugh. It was in the back of a datsun, don’t ask me the year, some sort of old car. The guys name was Cheesy. We used to do scouts together when I was younger and I had had a big ass crush on him.

Anywho, virginity lost. Coz, ya know everyone else was doing it so why shouldn't i?  I didnt wanna be that awkward last girl to lose her virginity! Ha. #thestorieswemakeup

From there, I didn't sleep with anyone for two years, well i'm not sure if you can count it as sex.  It was this guys first time… and a few too many drinks later on new years eve. It didn't lead to a hard success.. If you get what im putting down.  

Right enough stories, well maybe there'll be some more.  But the point you ask, is this. Basically for the last 14 years of my life, i've been having sex without connection. Sex without really even knowing what sex is.  Saying yes to sex, when my body was really telling me NO. Sex when I was so drunk and numb, i’d wake up the next day, wave them off and experience literally NO FEELINGS. I was completely numb.  Now while over the last couple of years i've dated a couple of really lovely men, there was still a piece, that wasn't feeling connected to my body.

The shame and guilt i've experienced from sleeping with men while i've been drunk, allowing them to use my body, was still showing up in the way I be.

So I’ve decided, its time. To choose me. Deeply choose me. Deeply stare into the parts of my body and my soul to know to be my truth.

I was still looking for my prince charming. To come and save me.  That when I met him, id feel complete. Id feel like all the pieces of my puzzle were coming together, and id experience true Joy.

And life, like it always does… has shown me the true lessons and reasonings behind this.

So for today, and this moment. Im choosing me.

I choosing to come back to trusting myself, for a long time I believed I couldn't trust men, but in turn I just didn’t myself!!!!

I believe our trust can't be broken. Trust is something within which you cultivate yourself.  I am sovereign being who is responsible for her own trust. I allow what happens to me, and my body.  And during this time, without the external experiences of others I get to truly see who I am without being blinded by old behaviours and experiences.

This time I am using is to cultivate my own self pleasure, my own love.

I choose me

Keezia TurnerComment